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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure

WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are publicly humiliated by their child's behavior. "More often than not it takes something like a kid goofing off during a choir recital to act as a wake-up call for parents," said Dr. Emily Chao, who realized her own son had ADD when he forgot his lines and knocked over a piece of scenery during a school play. "While many children's symptoms may not be apparent at first, they become markedly more acute when viewed in a public forum such as a spelling bee." Doctors have also recently discovered a new syndrome that compels unemployed 30-year-olds to move back home even though their parents did a perfectly fine job raising them.

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