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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure

WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are publicly humiliated by their child's behavior. "More often than not it takes something like a kid goofing off during a choir recital to act as a wake-up call for parents," said Dr. Emily Chao, who realized her own son had ADD when he forgot his lines and knocked over a piece of scenery during a school play. "While many children's symptoms may not be apparent at first, they become markedly more acute when viewed in a public forum such as a spelling bee." Doctors have also recently discovered a new syndrome that compels unemployed 30-year-olds to move back home even though their parents did a perfectly fine job raising them.

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