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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Report: Majority Of ADD Cases Go Undiagnosed Until Child's First Public Failure

WASHINGTON—A new report by the Mayo Clinic revealed that most cases of Attention Deficit Disorder are not diagnosed until one or both parents are publicly humiliated by their child's behavior. "More often than not it takes something like a kid goofing off during a choir recital to act as a wake-up call for parents," said Dr. Emily Chao, who realized her own son had ADD when he forgot his lines and knocked over a piece of scenery during a school play. "While many children's symptoms may not be apparent at first, they become markedly more acute when viewed in a public forum such as a spelling bee." Doctors have also recently discovered a new syndrome that compels unemployed 30-year-olds to move back home even though their parents did a perfectly fine job raising them.

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