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Report: Majority Of Americans Just Gotta, You Know, Get Motivated And Do It

Officials say the time has come for Americans to stop mulling it over and just get out there and do it.
Officials say the time has come for Americans to stop mulling it over and just get out there and do it.

WASHINGTON—According to a new report from the National Association of Just Getting Out There and Getting It Done, when it comes to making it happen, a majority of Americans just have to, you know, get motivated and do it.

The group's findings, which indicate nearly 80 percent of the nation needs to give it a shot at some point because, hey, you never know, suggest that the country can talk about it all it wants, but when it comes down to actually doing it, well, there's talking about things and then there's doing things.

The study confirmed that there's not much more to say, really.

"The American populace needs to figure out what it wants to do and then get out there and, you know, do it," the report read in part, adding that, hey, look, the nation's gotta start somewhere, right? "Nearly half the country is currently sitting on the couch wondering if it's ever going to happen for them, and further data suggests that, to be perfectly honest, it's only gonna happen if they make it happen. See what we're saying?"

"So…" the report continued, "up to you."

Though the study recommends that a third of the country should maybe just start slow, send a few e-mails, and see what happens, research confirmed that most citizens better do something soon because, let's be realistic here, nobody's getting any younger.

Moreover, 42 percent of the country reportedly owes it to themselves for Christ's sake, because it's not like they haven't been talking about it for forever. The report added that it was "sorry if that came out harsh" and that it was "just saying."

"Our results indicate that a large percentage of those in their late 20s and early 30s need to face the fact that they aren't 19 anymore, and I know that's not an easy thing to hear," NAJGOTGID representative Benjamin Cafferty told reporters, adding that citizens in their 50s and 60s need to figure out what it is they're waiting for exactly because, not to be too dramatic or anything, it's sort of now or never. "Basically, the U.S. populace has to think about finally getting things in gear here because statistics point to the fact that the constant hemming and hawing is getting a little ridiculous."

"After all, nowhere in our research could we find what's stopping them or what they really have to lose," he added.

According to the 250-page report, 24 percent of the country just has to suck it up and get moving even though, yeah, it's not gonna be easy at first, but then again, sources confirmed, it's not supposed to be. Forty-one percent have nothing to worry about because, look, this is right in their wheelhouse, all they have to do is try. And 32 percent are gonna do what they're gonna do but, you know what, at least that means they're doing something.

Ninety-one percent of the nation, the report added, needs to—no other way to put this, really—stop bitching and moaning and just fucking do it already.

The study concluded that while this is going to sound corny, the truth of the matter is that if the citizenry doesn't step up to the plate and take a crack at it, they'll regret it for the rest of their lives. There is absolutely no doubt about that, the report confirmed.

"Overall, a plurality of males and females from ages 18 to 57 need to ask themselves 'Why the hell not?' when considering if they should just do this thing already," the report's co-author Melony Steele said. "And it would seem many Americans have a motive to give it a go, because a vast majority said they didn't want to end up like their sibling or friend who had the chance once but let it slip away."

Though the study's recommendation to, you know, put your best foot forward because anything worth doing is worth doing right has inspired some citizens, most of the population reportedly still believes that the timing just isn't quite right.

"Yeah, I dunno, we'll see," 34-year-old American Eagle retail worker Kevin Pratt told reporters. "I got some stuff I eventually want to do, but I don't really see the rush. I make rent every month and have enough money left over to hang out. And, you know, I'm still pretty young."

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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