Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface'

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Vol 49 Issue 17

Average Teen Will Spend $1,139 On Prom

Following a brief downturn in recent years due to the flagging economy, the average teen’s spending on prom this year is expected to rise to $1,139, with much of that money supplied by parents to pay for tickets, attire, hairstyling, and transportat...

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Report: Majority Of Americans Now Answering To Name 'Lardface'

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau, an estimated 54 percent of Americans now turn around whenever they hear the phrase “Hey, Lardface” spoken, up from 48 percent just five years ago. “Following a continued deterioration of dietary habits and a nationwide plummeting of self-esteem, people who respond to the name Lardface now make up a solid majority of the U.S. population,” acting census director Tom Mesenbourg said at a press conference, adding that in some parts of the nation the moniker is so common it has even begun to lose its negative connotation. “Similar results, particularly in the Midwestern states, have been tabulated for names such as Fat Fuck, Tubby, Tubbo, and Wide Load.” After hearing these last words spoken, several journalists in attendance reportedly looked up from their notepads as if someone were addressing them.

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