Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day

A trend analysis shows that at no point in their day are Americans not eating.
A trend analysis shows that at no point in their day are Americans not eating.

WASHINGTON—According to a trend analysis conducted by leading sociologists, most Americans, rather than eating a series of meals with breaks in between, are now eating one continuous, uninterrupted meal throughout the day.

“What we’re seeing is that for the majority of citizens, the process of eating now begins the instant they awake in the morning and then continues ceaselessly through the entire day until the instant they go to sleep,” sociologist Donald Sims told reporters Monday, noting that at no point during their waking hours are Americans not in some stage of consuming a food product. “In other words, a meal will not end after a food item, or plate of food items, has been eaten, but will instead continue uninterrupted for the next 16 hours or so.”

Experts said a conventional American meal now starts around 6 or 7 a.m. and consists of several dozen eggs per eater, along with 2 to 3 pounds of bacon and/or sausage and a 5-pound bag of potatoes, all washed down with 12 to 20 cups of coffee. It then transitions around noon into the diners’ preferred varieties of sandwiches, soups, stews, cooked meats, macaroni and potato salads, chips, and french fries, as well as several 2-liter bottles of soda or, on weekends, a 24-pack of beer.

By evening, sociologists confirmed, this continuous stretch of consumption, now known simply as “Meal,” is commonly eaten at or delivered by a restaurant, and ingested from early evening until bedtime, which today is defined as the hour at which the food runs out.

Prominent sociologists say not a single activity performed by Americans is not also accompanied by eating.

“In the past, most Americans would break down their eating into distinct meals, delineated as breakfast, lunch, and dinner,” said Sims, referring to the now antiquated morning, afternoon, and evening feeding times. “That has of course been replaced by Meal. The advantage of this single feeding period is that it allows a person to simply continue eating no matter what time of day it is, without having to worry about stopping at any point, or for any reason.”

The trend is believed to have started in the American Midwest, before gradually spreading over the past decade to all regions of the country and finally becoming national orthodoxy, according to the sociologists’ 400-page, marinara-stained report.

The trend analysis indicates that more conservative U.S. eaters will sometimes take a break of up to 30 minutes during Meal. Most commonly, that interval is devoted to acquiring more food, any cooking that may be necessary, and watching food-based television programming. Bathroom breaks, researchers noted, have not constituted a pause in Mealtime since the invention of the Rubbermaid Bathroom Snack’n Barrel, now standard in most American homes.

Asked if common human activities such as bathing, housecleaning, and sexual intercourse do not also provide interruptions from eating, sociologists answered, “No.”

“Whether they are at work, with friends, commuting, or even napping, most Americans have found there is no conceivable reason to cease the act of consuming food,” sociologist Mark Brand said as he ladled a bowl of corn chowder into his mouth. “Americans have prioritized their lives such that no other activity is deemed even remotely as important as eating, and in fact, many people have found that they can, with some adequacy, perform a variety of different tasks while simultaneously consuming food.”

Responding to the trend, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has revised its nutritional recommendations into a succinct set of guidelines built around the concept of Meal. The department recommends a well-balanced Meal consisting of “many different kinds of food, eaten both continuously and as quickly as possible.” It is recommended that Americans not leave the room for dessert, and that they then consume dessert anyway.

In addition, the USDA has strongly cautioned that Mealtime conversation be avoided, as it can negatively impact one’s ability to eat food.

When reached for comment on this trend, Dayton, OH construction worker Frank Burnley offered his thoughts.

“It’s [unintelligible],” Burnley said. “I eat [unintelligible].”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close