adBlockCheck

Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Majority Of Americans Now Eating One Continuous Meal A Day

A trend analysis shows that at no point in their day are Americans not eating.
A trend analysis shows that at no point in their day are Americans not eating.

WASHINGTON—According to a trend analysis conducted by leading sociologists, most Americans, rather than eating a series of meals with breaks in between, are now eating one continuous, uninterrupted meal throughout the day.

“What we’re seeing is that for the majority of citizens, the process of eating now begins the instant they awake in the morning and then continues ceaselessly through the entire day until the instant they go to sleep,” sociologist Donald Sims told reporters Monday, noting that at no point during their waking hours are Americans not in some stage of consuming a food product. “In other words, a meal will not end after a food item, or plate of food items, has been eaten, but will instead continue uninterrupted for the next 16 hours or so.”

Experts said a conventional American meal now starts around 6 or 7 a.m. and consists of several dozen eggs per eater, along with 2 to 3 pounds of bacon and/or sausage and a 5-pound bag of potatoes, all washed down with 12 to 20 cups of coffee. It then transitions around noon into the diners’ preferred varieties of sandwiches, soups, stews, cooked meats, macaroni and potato salads, chips, and french fries, as well as several 2-liter bottles of soda or, on weekends, a 24-pack of beer.

By evening, sociologists confirmed, this continuous stretch of consumption, now known simply as “Meal,” is commonly eaten at or delivered by a restaurant, and ingested from early evening until bedtime, which today is defined as the hour at which the food runs out.

Prominent sociologists say not a single activity performed by Americans is not also accompanied by eating.

“In the past, most Americans would break down their eating into distinct meals, delineated as breakfast, lunch, and dinner,” said Sims, referring to the now antiquated morning, afternoon, and evening feeding times. “That has of course been replaced by Meal. The advantage of this single feeding period is that it allows a person to simply continue eating no matter what time of day it is, without having to worry about stopping at any point, or for any reason.”

The trend is believed to have started in the American Midwest, before gradually spreading over the past decade to all regions of the country and finally becoming national orthodoxy, according to the sociologists’ 400-page, marinara-stained report.

The trend analysis indicates that more conservative U.S. eaters will sometimes take a break of up to 30 minutes during Meal. Most commonly, that interval is devoted to acquiring more food, any cooking that may be necessary, and watching food-based television programming. Bathroom breaks, researchers noted, have not constituted a pause in Mealtime since the invention of the Rubbermaid Bathroom Snack’n Barrel, now standard in most American homes.

Asked if common human activities such as bathing, housecleaning, and sexual intercourse do not also provide interruptions from eating, sociologists answered, “No.”

“Whether they are at work, with friends, commuting, or even napping, most Americans have found there is no conceivable reason to cease the act of consuming food,” sociologist Mark Brand said as he ladled a bowl of corn chowder into his mouth. “Americans have prioritized their lives such that no other activity is deemed even remotely as important as eating, and in fact, many people have found that they can, with some adequacy, perform a variety of different tasks while simultaneously consuming food.”

Responding to the trend, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has revised its nutritional recommendations into a succinct set of guidelines built around the concept of Meal. The department recommends a well-balanced Meal consisting of “many different kinds of food, eaten both continuously and as quickly as possible.” It is recommended that Americans not leave the room for dessert, and that they then consume dessert anyway.

In addition, the USDA has strongly cautioned that Mealtime conversation be avoided, as it can negatively impact one’s ability to eat food.

When reached for comment on this trend, Dayton, OH construction worker Frank Burnley offered his thoughts.

“It’s [unintelligible],” Burnley said. “I eat [unintelligible].”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close