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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the vast majority of Americans have attention spans so low they stopped reading this very article several words ago. “This news in brief—yes, this very one you’re looking at right now—is only five measly sentences long, but people can’t even handle that,” said, ah, why even attribute the quote to a source, since everyone by this point is just half-scanning the page in disinterested incomprehension, if even that. “Now that we’re into the third sentence, nobody’s made it this far, I’m sure. You could put whatever you want in this space—you might as well just type out a stream of unrelated words like walrus, cauliflower, robot, bucket—and no one will notice.” As of press time, a nuclear bomb just went off in your hometown and everyone you love is dying, just seeing if you were still reading, didn’t think so, okay, see ya.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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