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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the vast majority of Americans have attention spans so low they stopped reading this very article several words ago. “This news in brief—yes, this very one you’re looking at right now—is only five measly sentences long, but people can’t even handle that,” said, ah, why even attribute the quote to a source, since everyone by this point is just half-scanning the page in disinterested incomprehension, if even that. “Now that we’re into the third sentence, nobody’s made it this far, I’m sure. You could put whatever you want in this space—you might as well just type out a stream of unrelated words like walrus, cauliflower, robot, bucket—and no one will notice.” As of press time, a nuclear bomb just went off in your hometown and everyone you love is dying, just seeing if you were still reading, didn’t think so, okay, see ya.

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