adBlockCheck

Recent News

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Majority Of Americans Stopped Paying Attention Several Words Ago

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the vast majority of Americans have attention spans so low they stopped reading this very article several words ago. “This news in brief—yes, this very one you’re looking at right now—is only five measly sentences long, but people can’t even handle that,” said, ah, why even attribute the quote to a source, since everyone by this point is just half-scanning the page in disinterested incomprehension, if even that. “Now that we’re into the third sentence, nobody’s made it this far, I’m sure. You could put whatever you want in this space—you might as well just type out a stream of unrelated words like walrus, cauliflower, robot, bucket—and no one will notice.” As of press time, a nuclear bomb just went off in your hometown and everyone you love is dying, just seeing if you were still reading, didn’t think so, okay, see ya.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close