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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Report: Majority Of Baseball Players Swallow Up To Six Baseballs In Their Sleep Per Year

WASHINGTON--A report released Monday by the National Sleep Foundation revealed that most Major League Baseball players swallow as many as six baseballs per year while sleeping. “As baseball players, they tend to be around baseballs more often, so it’s only natural that they come in oral contact with them while sleeping, swallowing more of them than the average person,” said sleep expert and lead author of the report Dr. James Lowman, adding that swallowing a regulation-sized baseball here and there “isn’t going to kill anyone.” “Some players become distressed when they find out about all the baseballs they swallow, but there’s really no cause for concern. It’s not until you start swallowing 20 baseballs a year, or two baseballs at once, that you need to start thinking abut seeking help.” Lowman, who also said that Prince Fielder sought treatment for swallowing several baseball gloves and a batting helmet earlier this year, disclosed that the Brewers first baseman was awake at the time.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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