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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Majority Of Baseball Players Swallow Up To Six Baseballs In Their Sleep Per Year

WASHINGTON--A report released Monday by the National Sleep Foundation revealed that most Major League Baseball players swallow as many as six baseballs per year while sleeping. “As baseball players, they tend to be around baseballs more often, so it’s only natural that they come in oral contact with them while sleeping, swallowing more of them than the average person,” said sleep expert and lead author of the report Dr. James Lowman, adding that swallowing a regulation-sized baseball here and there “isn’t going to kill anyone.” “Some players become distressed when they find out about all the baseballs they swallow, but there’s really no cause for concern. It’s not until you start swallowing 20 baseballs a year, or two baseballs at once, that you need to start thinking abut seeking help.” Lowman, who also said that Prince Fielder sought treatment for swallowing several baseball gloves and a batting helmet earlier this year, disclosed that the Brewers first baseman was awake at the time.

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