adBlockCheck

Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader

In a marked generational shift, more than half of current CIA covert agents say they would engineer a bloody coup d’etat to install a female political puppet for the U.S. to manipulate.
In a marked generational shift, more than half of current CIA covert agents say they would engineer a bloody coup d’etat to install a female political puppet for the U.S. to manipulate.

LANGLEY, VA—Saying that the recent shift in opinion is further proof that women have access to more opportunities than ever before, sources within the CIA confirmed this week that the U.S. intelligence agency may finally be ready to install its first female world leader.

Members of the CIA, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told reporters that an increasing number of agents hired from a younger, more progressive generation are significantly more open to a woman leading one of the handful of nations the agency has deemed ready for a regime change. According to informal polling within the Clandestine Service division, the violent overthrow of a foreign leader in favor of a female dictator backed by the U.S. could occur as soon as within the next few years.

“Certainly, when I first started off in the agency, installing a woman as a country’s president in order to stave off the communist threat would have never even been considered,” said one veteran official, adding that the gender norms of the times suggested that a woman’s place was in the home and not at the forefront of a pro-Western paramilitary organization receiving arms, training, and millions of untraceable dollars from the CIA. “Had someone in 1964 suggested we conspire with the Brazilian army generals to replace President João Goulart with a woman, he would have been laughed out of the room. However, like many Americans, our views have evolved over time, and today, we’ve reached the point where a woman is definitely considered as a legitimate possibility during our black ops planning.”

“I would like to think that in the year 2014 we are forward-thinking enough to supplant foreign leaders with the best and most pliant person we can find, regardless of gender,” he added. “If this individual can follow our explicit agenda and successfully destabilize leftist movements, what does it matter if the person’s a man or a woman?”

When surveyed, the majority of intelligence community members stationed overseas said they would be willing to foment civil unrest within a country to elevate a woman to power, be it by orchestrating a wide-scale misinformation campaign or paying local gangs to spark protests and rallies in her name. While some said it might initially feel strange or uncomfortable seeing a woman condemn her predecessor to death for the first time, they argued they have a firm obligation to rig an election on the behalf of whoever is truly up to the task of brutally cracking down on political activists the U.S. views as threats to its interests.

Many officers told reporters they are surprised it has taken so long for the idea to gain acceptance, given that the agency propped up its first black president, the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s Joseph-Desiré Mobutu, back in 1960.

“Most agents nowadays recognize that there are countless women across the globe who are more than qualified to kowtow to every demand of the United States,” said one station chief, adding that he could name at least seven or eight different Venezuelan women he believes could be thrust into a power vacuum created by the U.S. and successfully declare themselves president for life. “Over time, we’ve seen a steady increase in the number of women around the world who are involved in the planning and execution of bribery schemes and assassination plots, and they are certainly well-represented within the leadership of the various radical student groups we control. However, it’s about time we actually see a woman elevated to the presidency after the U.S. strong-arms that country’s military leaders into supporting her.”

“They’re ready,” he continued. “And far more importantly, so are we.”

Despite reports that a significant percentage of the agency is now receptive to propping up its first female dictator, sources confirmed that many hardliners at CIA headquarters remain reluctant to endorse such an operation, citing their belief that women simply are not equipped to handle the physical and psychological demands of illegitimate rule, such as managing a secret police, regularly killing off rival political and business leaders, and developing a cult of personality. Others told reporters they fear that female political puppets may not command the level of respect from other foreign leaders necessary to provide the U.S. with a useful proxy in their respective region of the world.

“While there are still holdouts within the agency, it is my personal hope that one day, future CIA operatives will find it completely normal to choose a woman to, for example, denationalize a country’s titanium mines after paying a local death squad to assassinate the prime minister,” said one high-level official. “But that can only happen if we take the bold and admittedly difficult first step today of creating a constitutional crisis that results in the elevation of a female despot, whose brutal, iron-fisted rule will be subsequently overlooked.”

“I just want my children to know I was on the right side of history,” he added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close