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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Report: Majority Of College Football Fans Way Too Into Favorite Teams

INDIANAPOLIS—According to a yearlong study released Monday by the NCAA, 87 percent of college football fans are "way, way too into" their favorite teams. "The degree to which collegiate football dominates the conversation, correspondence, Internet use, mode of dress, and television habits of its fans, especially during the season, intrudes on nearly every aspect of their daily lives," the report read in part, explaining that many casual football fans found their more-invested counterparts either annoying, brainwashed, or slightly pathetic for being so emotionally invested in the lives of 20-year-old boys. "In almost a quarter of cases, fans interviewed were unable to go three sentences without alluding to college football in some way. Moreover, Auburn sucks; rammer jammer, yellowhammer." NCAA researchers apologized for the lateness of the report, which was conducted last season but suspended in the spring due to unavoidable conflicts with March Madness.

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