adBlockCheck

Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products

Top Headlines

Business

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Majority Of Earth’s Potable Water Trapped In Coca-Cola Products

Experts estimate that the average can of Coca-Cola contains nearly 12 ounces of potable but entirely inaccessible freshwater.
Experts estimate that the average can of Coca-Cola contains nearly 12 ounces of potable but entirely inaccessible freshwater.

CORVALLIS, OR—Fueling humanitarian concerns over the vital resource’s scarcity in many parts of the world, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Oregon State University has found that 68 percent of the earth’s supply of potable water is trapped in Coca-Cola products.

According to top experts, the new report marks the first comprehensive attempt to measure the planet’s freshwater reserves and determine exactly how much of it is currently locked inside sources such as Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine-Free Coke, Dr. Pepper, Barq’s root beer, and other Coca-Cola beverages, making it impossible to use as drinking water, or for bathing or cooking.

“Less than 3 percent of the earth’s water is fresh, and of that, more than two-thirds exists in the form of Coke products incapable of serving any human need,” said the report’s lead author, Samer Ghosh, adding that the amount of freshwater that’s not trapped in the brand’s line of colas has been steadily declining for years. “There are vast, untapped quantities of potable water within these sodas, and they can be found in heavy concentrations throughout the world’s grocery stores, vending machines, and home refrigerators. Unfortunately, though, we have no way of extracting it.”

“Our own country has enough water in its Vanilla Coke Zero to fill Lake Michigan, but in its current state that water is useless to us,” he added.

“By harnessing the freshwater that exists inside these remarkably abundant beverages, we could more than double access to safe drinking sources worldwide.”

Researchers confirmed the 7.2 million cubic kilometers of water confined within Coca-Cola beverages are unsuitable for most personal and household purposes because they are too compromised by various chemicals and acidic compounds. While scientists have attempted for years to distill quality drinking water from samples of Powerade and Full Throttle energy drinks, no one has successfully purified these or any other Coke products of the ingredients contaminating their valuable H20 molecules.

In a landmark 1995 study, a team of hydrologists at the University of Arizona is said to have successfully removed the carbonation from original-formula Coca-Cola Classic by opening a can of the beverage and leaving it out overnight, but experts confirmed that, since that time, little progress has been made in removing the visible impurities from the product.

“By harnessing the freshwater that exists inside these remarkably abundant beverages, we could more than double access to safe drinking sources worldwide,” said Ghosh, observing that soft drinks manufactured by Coca-Cola are present all across the globe, even in places where lakes, rivers, and aquifers have run dry. “We’re devoting all the resources we can toward developing an adequate filtration process that can turn Cherry Coke and Fresca into clean drinking water, but we have a long way to go.”

“So far, our best attempts at filtering Coca-Cola have only left us with the same brown, strong-smelling liquid that can under no circumstances be used to sustain life,” he continued.

The new report indicates that Coca-Cola reserves are especially plentiful in North America, where they exist in thousands of 64-ounce reservoirs that can be found at points along major roadways and within population centers. Additionally, researchers discovered that in South America, nearly 30 percent of freshwater is locked up in orange Fanta, while 26 percent of clean water in Japan has been rendered completely inaccessible inside green-tea-flavored Coke.

In an examination of the ongoing drought in California, the report concludes that if it can one day be tapped, the potable water contained within the supply of Sprite in Los Angeles alone will meet the needs of the entire state for years to come.

The call for investment in Coke-filtration technologies is perhaps strongest in developing nations, where populations awash in the cola often face shortages of clean water. Yasinta Kusila, a Tanzania resident and mother of three, told reporters she walks 10 miles each day past numerous containers filled with Coke to obtain the water she needs for cooking and to ensure her family has enough to drink.

“Water here is scarce, but everywhere you look there’s Coca-Cola,” Kusila said. “It’s so demoralizing to know that there is good, clean water in there, but there’s no way to get it out. Do you have any idea what that’s like for a mother just trying to provide for her children?”

“It’s so close, and there’s so very much of it,” she added, “but what good does it do anyone?”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close