adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Majority Of Football Fans Better Informed On Health Of NFL Players Than Parents

PHILADELPHIA—According to a new study published Monday by the University of Pennsylvania, the overwhelming majority of football fans are far more informed on the health of NFL players than that of their own parents. “Our surveys indicate that despite an intimate, up-to-date knowledge of various ailments affecting star football players, many fans are largely oblivious to any deterioration of health in their mother or father,” said lead researcher Howard Cenotto, adding that the average fan’s awareness of any given player’s medical history—including past injuries dating back to college—far exceeds any knowledge of heart or blood pressure medications recently prescribed to their parents by a primary care physician. “Most often miss the first glaring signs of Alzheimer’s or dementia in their parents, while also being completely unaware that one or both have been recently diagnosed with adult-onset diabetes. Meanwhile, they remain fully informed of the health of their favorite team's players—pinpointing precise stages of progress in injury rehab and possessing extensive insight into potential complications resulting from any impending surgeries.” The report went on to confirm that the majority of football fans also have absolutely no grasp whatsoever on their own general state of health and can’t remember the last time they visited the doctor for an annual checkup.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close