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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: Majority Of Instances Of People Getting Lives Back On Track Occur Immediately After Visit To Buffalo Wild Wings

SEATTLE—According to a University of Washington report published Friday, more than two-thirds of major lifestyle reassessments take place after exiting a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise. "Typically, the moment of self-reflection begins when people find themselves in the parking lot asking questions like, 'Why the hell am I here?' and 'What terrible life path am I currently on that led me to a Buffalo Wild Wings?'" said researcher Dr. Priyank Sarin, adding that most individuals hit bottom when they notice the stench of stale barbecue sauce clinging to their clothes and remember how depressed they felt when they caught their own saddened reflection in one of the many televisions surrounding the restaurant. "By the time you leave a Buffalo Wild Wings, you're ready for a fresh start, because at that point, there's nowhere to go but up." The report shows, however, that 98 percent of people experiencing such epiphanies will return within a week to the very same Buffalo Wild Wings location.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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