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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—According to a study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia, the majority of American mothers would be willing to drop off their small children at a warehouse with the words “Fun Zone” spray-painted on its side, no questions asked, in exchange for just one uninterrupted hour all to themselves. “Our extensive survey concluded that as long as the place has a couple of gym mats on the floor and one adult employee present, most mothers wouldn’t hesitate to leave their kids at an old industrial building they found by following a series of cardboard signs staked along the roadside that are marked with the words ‘This way to fun’ and crudely drawn directional arrows,” said researcher Christopher Anesko, noting that the study’s results hold true even in cases where a stick-figure giraffe or a clown has been hastily scrawled in black permanent marker next to the business’s name. “In addition, we found a full 30 percent of moms still wouldn’t think twice about it even if the building were windowless and identified only by a slightly deflated balloon tied to the door.” Anesko added that nearly all parents surveyed said they would gladly write their children’s names on a scrap of paper labeled “Adventure Camp Sign-Up” if it meant their kids would be somewhere else until 4 p.m. and would come home tired.

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