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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears

WASHINGTON—A new study by the Federal Communications Commission has determined that as many as 81 percent of all calls made over pay phones start and conclude with uncontrollable sobbing. The report, published Monday, surveyed a wide sample of public telephone conversations, nearly all of which began with the phrase "Please don't hang up, oh God," and devolved into unrestrained bawling on the part of one or both participants. The FCC's report also confirmed that the remaining 19 percent of pay phone calls are wrong numbers caused by frantically misdialing one's parole officer, ex-girlfriend, bookie, or AA sponsor.

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