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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Report: Majority Of UFO Abductions Committed By Alien That Person Knows

WASHINGTON—Challenging commonly held misperceptions, the U.S. Department of Justice published a report this week revealing that the vast majority of UFO abductions are perpetrated by aliens a person knows rather than extraterrestrials unfamiliar to victims. “The popular notion of UFO abductions is of a person being beamed up into the sky by strange, hostile beings from Sirius or Andromeda, but the reality is that most of these abductions are committed by an extraterrestrial acquaintance the victim trusts and feels comfortable around,” DOJ spokesman Devin Shane said of the estimated 2,800 reported victims of UFO abduction last year, many of whom were taken against their will into an advanced spacecraft and subjected to psychological experiments and medical examinations by nonhuman entities they already knew through family or friends. “While it’s true that a significant number of abductions are still carried out by extrasolar reptilian beings with planetary invasion-related motives, data shows that known relationships with extraterrestrials are by far the greater danger to civilians, with many aliens committing abduction for personal reasons, such as indulging their own cravings for power, control, or revenge, or siphoning human energy from host bodies in order to replicate.” Officials noted, with a degree of optimism, that evidence now shows only 10 percent of all UFO abductions result in aliens impregnating the victim with thousands of eggs.

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