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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion

According to experts, a majority of Iraqis persist in acting all woe-is-me about some stupid war that happened ages ago.
According to experts, a majority of Iraqis persist in acting all woe-is-me about some stupid war that happened ages ago.

WASHINGTON—In spite of the rest of the world long having agreed to move on with their lives, a new report issued Monday reveals that many Iraqi citizens apparently still hold some sort of petty grudge over the U.S.-led invasion of their country.

According to research conducted by the U.S. Department of State, a startling number of Iraqis aren’t willing to just grow up and let go of the Iraq War, with many still crying their eyes out on a daily basis about the hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties, incalculable destruction, and lasting instability brought about by the conflict.

“While most of the world’s peoples have put the events of the war firmly behind them, our findings show that a significant number of Iraqi civilians would evidently rather trot out the same old sob story about having their country torn apart,” said State Department official and chief author of the study Arthur Manchin, who observed that these same individuals seemingly are more interested in dwelling on one little eight-year occupation than just letting bygones be bygones. “To hear these Iraqis tell it, you’d think they were the only people in the history of mankind to be invaded by a heavily armed aggressor and then turned over to violent militias and ineffectual police.”

“Yeah, the U.S. deployed hundreds of thousands of troops to their homeland, toppled their government without providing a functional replacement, and then abandoned the country, leaving it vulnerable for insurgent forces to terrorize indefinitely,” Manchin continued. “We get it. Stop living in the past.”

The report confirmed that a remarkable percentage of Iraqis refuse to be adults about the complete disruption of their way of life and instead are nursing bitter, childish grudges over the mass rocket bombardment, human rights abuses, political turmoil, and general chaos brought about by the war.

A survey reportedly showed that 68 percent of Iraqis continue to throw little hissy fits about the constant threat of suicide bombings, with 75 percent endlessly pissing and moaning about the endemic health crisis resulting from half the country’s doctors having fled the war-torn nation. Additionally, a staggering four-fifths of the crybabies are going on and on like a broken record about the continuing plague of sectarian ethnic cleansing that has so far left tens of thousands dead and over 4 million displaced from their homes.

Furthermore, a full 100 percent of Iraqis would spend all day sitting in a corner and pouting if it were up to them, the report speculated.

“Whether it’s an automotive shop owner who lost his garage in a mortar attack or a 7-year-old girl whose parents were killed in a marketplace bombing, some of these people just won’t give it a rest,” said report co-author Karen Schellinger, who also pointed to the lasting psychological damage inflicted by a prolonged and bloody war as yet another minor hiccup that the Iraqis seem to want to whine about forever like it’s the end of the world or something. “Even now—in 2013, mind you—you’ll come across a Baghdad man who’s moping about because he’s being imprisoned without having been charged with anything, or a woman who was driven from her bombed-out neighborhood in Fallujah and is now playing the martyr about having been forced into prostitution to support the surviving members of her family.”

“Honestly, if one of these people stubbed their toe, I’d be willing to bet those poor, poor Iraqis would blame us for that, too,” Schellinger continued.

The report revealed that many Iraqi citizens apparently have nothing better to do with their time than gripe about the rampant corruption that plagues their shoddily erected government and makes it impossible for crucial resources to reach the country’s legions of impoverished men, women, and children.

In addition, the study’s authors indicated that these same people might be able to move on if they were to dry their eyes for two measly seconds and stop pitying themselves just because they’re hopelessly trapped in the middle of a brutal humanitarian crisis.

“The fact is, regardless of how many people are dying of cholera due to contaminated drinking water, the Iraqis need to realize that attitude is everything in times like these,” said Schellinger, adding that no amount of blubbering will ever bring back their family members or the countless religious and cultural sites destroyed and desecrated over 10 years of tumultuous conflict. “Honestly, I think the best thing for these people is for them to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and forget the Iraq War ever happened.”

“I mean, most of us have already done exactly that,” Schellinger added.

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