Report: Many Rappers May Suffer From Unrealistically High Self-Images

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Vol 34 Issue 15

'Aryan Notions' Opens Sixth Berlin Location

BERLIN–Promising shoppers "a glorious thousand-year reign of quality sewing supplies and accessories at low, low prices," Aryan Notions opened its sixth Berlin location Monday. "From buttons to bows to knitting needles, Aryan Notions is your one-stop source for racially pure sundries," store manager Gunther Von Hoessler said. "Superior white seamstresses and tailors from all over Europe can't stop raving about our pure Nordic yarn and rick-rack. Krups is working non-stop to supply us with mighty cast-steel bobbins and thimbles." His voice quavering with excitement, Von Hoessler boasted of cleansing the globe of inferior notions retailers and standing astride a conquered industry ruled by Aryan Notions. "God himself has anointed our chain of sewing supplies for magnificent triumph," he said.

Poll: 80 Percent Of Americans In Favor Of Storming Castle, Destroying Inhuman Monster

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday, four in five Americans favor assembling a torch-wielding mob to storm the gloomy castle on the outskirts of town and destroy the hideous evil creature dwelling within. The poll also found that 92 percent of Americans believe science has created an unholy menace, and that the foul, Hell-spawned monstrosity should be driven back to the fiery depths from which it came. Of the 20 percent of Americans not in favor of destroying the wretched beast, 7 percent said they "strongly agree" with the statement, "Who are we to arbitrarily take life from a creature into which man himself breathed life? Build for him a bride and let them live in peace, far from the prying eyes of foolish mortals." Eight percent had no opinion.

Rash Of High-Speed Chases Threatens Local Fruit Stand

LOS ANGELES–A rash of high-speed chases in downtown L.A. is threatening the livelihood of local fruit vendor Dave Rostand. "Every week, as many as 10 high-speed auto chases, either comical or dramatic in nature, come roaring past my corner, sending my cardboard-box-mounted pyramid of oranges flying in all directions," Rostand, who estimates he has had to rebuild his fruit stand 50 times, told members of the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce Monday. "If these chases are not curtailed, I will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy and take up work as a sheet-glass courier."

Hero Publicist Honored

HOLLYWOOD, CA–For "heroism in publicizing beyond all hope," Hollywood publicist Derek DeBoer was honored Monday for his work promoting the not-at-all-anticipated Buena Vista Pictures romantic comedy Be My Baby, starring Steve Guttenberg and Whoopi Goldberg. "For courage and fortitude in generating buzz where there is no hope of buzz, hype where there is no hope of hype, we recognize the heroic deeds of Derek DeBoer," said Trent Davidoff, president of the American Association Of Publicists. "Mr. DeBoer, your brave efforts helped saved the jobs of countless Buena Vista execs who green-lighted this God awful project, and for this they are eternally grateful."

The Marvelous New 'Sarcasm'

Excuse me, but can you ignorant peasants be bothered to rouse yourselves from the puddle of steaming offal you call home long enough to hear what I have to say?

Not So Beloved

Massively hyped and critically acclaimed by Oprah Winfrey's Beloved is nevertheless bombing at the box office. Why?

Glorious Heyday Of Youth Spent In Parking Lot

AMARILLO, TX–Celebrating the bountiful gift of youth and the endless promise it holds, local 16-year-olds Stephanie Reardon, Doug Shiner and Toby Rizzo spent Friday evening in the parking lot of the Howell Avenue Grab 'N' Go convenience store. "Got any more Kools?" said Reardon, living every moment of her salad days to the fullest. Savoring the sweetness of his vitality like a ripe, juicy pear, Shiner leaned against the store's ice machine and said, "Check out that van over there."
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Report: Many Rappers May Suffer From Unrealistically High Self-Images

WASHINGTON, DC–According to an American Psychological Association report released Tuesday, a large percentage of U.S. rappers may suffer from unrealistically high self-images, placing them at risk of a host of emotional and interpersonal problems.

An artist's rendering of a young rapper's conception of himself and his world.

The study–which examined the attitudes and self-perceptions of over 600 MCs in hoods across the U.S., including Illtown, H-Town, Strong Island, the Brooklyn Zoo, Harlem World and Long Beach–found that nearly 95 percent of those surveyed suffered from a distorted sense of their own prowess, particularly with regard to wealth, sexual potency and influence over their peers.

"While personal confidence is a vital aspect of building a healthy self-image, an exaggerated sense of self can lead to trouble," APA study head Dr. Judith Danziger said. "The overconfidence these rappers display can have a wide range of negative consequences, from humiliating defeat at the hands of a superior MC to getting a cap placed in one's ass."

The most common manifestation of rappers' distorted self-images, the study found, is gross overestimation of their own rapping skills. A full 98 percent of MCs participating in the study claimed that their style could not be imitated and never duplicated, despite a preponderance of evidence to the contrary.

"Very few of these rappers have styles that cannot be duplicated. In fact, we found that most of these rappers have remarkably similar microphone styles," Danziger said. " Yet nearly all of them have somehow convinced themselves that they are unique."

Often, Danziger said, rappers' inflated, unrealistic self-images get carried over into their interpersonal relationships, adversely affecting their ability to establish healthy, mutually fulfilling long-term relationships with members of the opposite sex.

"One young rapper I spoke with told me that he 'be trading women like Eddie Murphy trading places' and that he 'got bitches cleaning my house, cleaning my gold, doing my shoelaces,'" Danziger said. "For a relationship to thrive, there needs to be a sense of shared responsibility and mutual respect. When one partner is cleaning the other's house and gold, the partner who is doing the cleaning is likely to experience feelings of resentment over the imbalance. Inevitably, this will drive a wedge between the pair."

"Another MC I spoke with told me that he has a bitch who will suck his dick until he nut, spit it on his gut, and slurp that shit back up," Danziger said. "While a strong sense of sexual adventurousness and a willingness to experiment is a great way to keep a relationship fresh over the long haul, it only works if that spirit of adventure is reciprocated, and the man is willing to try new things to please the woman. With many of these rappers, however, this is not the case."

In addition to causing relationship problems, the study found that inflated self-images tend to cause rappers to overestimate their personal finances. Many of the MCs participating were found to be living lifestyles well beyond their means, taking nightly baths in Cristal, wearing custom-made Armani suits, and sporting 10 Rolex watches on each arm. One New Orleans-area rapper reported driving a solid-gold, diamond-encrusted tank.

"Even millionaires need to do some amount of basic budgeting," accountant Morton Kessler said. "The sort of extravagant spending in which these rappers indulge–indiscriminately buying yachts, helicopters and fleets of bulletproof Mercedes-Benzes without any eye on the bottom line–is a recipe for financial disaster."

According to UCLA Hospital psychiatrist Dr. Ernest Bloch, the distorted sense of reality exhibited by many rappers may indicate a predisposition toward a wide range of serious mental disorders, including schizophrenia.

"Many of these rappers create fictional, internal universes that, for them, become a sort of alternate reality," Bloch said. "For example, a young rapper named Kurupt told me how the feds have tapped his phones, and how he's wanted in more states than John Gotti. A New York-area MC by the name of Nas told me that he was recently chased in his Lexus by CIA agents but managed to escape when Pablo Escobar, his business partner and passenger, shot the driver of the pursuing vehicle. These sorts of paranoid, delusional fantasies are classic warning signs of schizophrenia, and an afflicted rapper's condition can deteriorate to the point where he is completely insane in the membrane."

Danziger urged rappers suffering from unrealistically high self-images to get help now, before their problems grow worse.

"Early detection is crucial, as treatment only becomes more difficult as time goes on," Danziger said. "Remember: These rappers' mic skills won't stay sharp forever, and when they do fall off–and the record sales plummet, and the major-label contracts dry up–there is almost always a corresponding depression. We need to recognize that, deep down, these rappers' boasts are actually a desperate shout-out for help."

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