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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Report: Many U.S. Schools Can’t Afford Mannequins, Human Urine For Art Classes

Many art teachers say they’ve been forced to make do with just one case of latex diaphragms for the entire academic year.
Many art teachers say they’ve been forced to make do with just one case of latex diaphragms for the entire academic year.

WASHINGTON—Faced with increasingly tight budgets, a growing number of U.S. schools no longer have the resources necessary to provide art classes with enough mannequins and human urine for each student, a report from the Education Policy Research Institute confirmed Friday.

In a nationwide survey, a majority of public school teachers and administrators stated that a lack of sufficient funding has forced them to cut back on many of the basic materials—from brushes and paints, to sculpting tools and clay, to life-size dummies and human excreta—traditionally employed in art classrooms.

“It’s sad, but my students don’t even have the supplies they need for an exercise as simple as depicting patriarchal oppression with a mannequin that has been painted orange, set on fire, and then doused with a bucket of warm urine,” said Robert Kessler, a sixth-grade art teacher in Cleveland, noting that his supply closet also lacks the old doll heads, used syringes, and Virgin Mary statuettes his pupils require. “Meanwhile, I have 25 kids in my fourth-period class sharing a single hammer, and by Thanksgiving, we’ll have run out of old New York City subway tiles for them to smash into thousands and thousands of tiny shards.”

“It’s sad to think our young people aren’t being given the tools essential for a proper grounding in the arts,” he continued.

Educators said that in order to complete the simplest of mixed-media projects decrying American corporate hegemony, students are forced to hold year-round bake sales and other fundraisers so their art programs can afford all the necessary fiberglass shark heads and rolls of packing tape. Even the youngest schoolchildren, they acknowledged, are routinely tasked with collecting their own sacks of human hair and nail clippings.

According to the report, parents are regularly called upon to donate old television sets so their children can deconstruct the emptiness of modern consumer culture, while local businesses often provide the hundreds of gallons of used motor oil art students pour over their heads as part of a stark meditation on America’s obsession with violence.

“Right now, if we’re going to have enough raw poultry to complete our introductory unit on death, it looks as though I’m going to have to go out to the supermarket and buy it myself,” said Petaluma, CA elementary school art instructor Mary Scofield, adding that she has already petitioned her district for funds to cover the antique surgical instruments her students need to examine the futility of all human endeavor. “It’s ridiculous that I’m paying for it out of my own pocket, but if I don’t, my second-graders simply won’t have any chicken skin to scrawl Bible verses on, and that’s just not fair to them.”

In addition to cutbacks in the visual arts, the report found that music, theater, and film programs have faced similar fiscal challenges. Teachers spoke of having to cancel performances in which students were to have taken turns striking a detuned piano with axes, and of never receiving money that was earmarked for renting out a cavernous warehouse space in which a tape recorder suspended from the ceiling would have played the sound of a single laugh on an infinite loop.

“How am I supposed to teach kids about the language of film without a video projector capable of alternately flashing the words ‘government’ and ‘lacerate’ on the side of an abandoned foundry?” said Eugene Hough, 62, a high school teacher in Des Moines, IA. “It’s disgraceful. My students want to subvert viewer expectations, but they just don’t have the 8-millimeter black-and-white reel of a naked elderly woman crawling through the woods they would need to do it. We are, quite frankly, selling our children short.”

“What happens when an entire generation of Americans graduates school without ever learning what art truly is?” he added.

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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