adBlockCheck

International

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars

THE WORLD—Calling it devastating, tragic, complex, heartrending, heartwarming, catastrophic, courageous, and shameful, sources confirmed Sunday that massive wildfires, geopolitical crises, AIDS, human rights violations, deadly shootings, Africa, tourists taken hostage, ethical and moral issues, child labor, and drug wars.

While the Catholic Church, nuclear weapons, deadly Ebola outbreak, failing U.S. schools, the homeless, North Korea, and the resignation of high-level officials, reports indicate widespread corruption, a major environmental disaster, the crumbling housing market, blizzards, Indonesia's rapidly growing economy, fraud, and the plight of the elderly.

Famine, sources later confirmed.

"We are in the midst of an unprecedented crisis," an extremely high-ranking figure said in an exclusive interview, adding that tensions remain high while patience is running low. "I'm afraid the worst has yet to come. The aftermath could be even more devastating."

According to those with inside knowledge of the situation, mine safety, unclean drinking water, gun laws, global warming, the role social media played, citywide blackout, the pharmaceutical companies, the insurance companies, the oil companies, a South Carolina neurosurgeon, a recovering drug addict from Baltimore who fights every day to keep her family alive, how one former steel town is struggling to adapt, and the psychological trauma suffered by soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.

In addition, the incalculable human toll, indescribable loss, utter ruin, candlelight vigils, Category 5 hurricane, magnitude-8.9 earthquake, F5 tornado, 140 mph winds, and the long-term effects on the local economy for the next 10, 20, and 100 years.

"This is something the world needs to know about," said a key player in the still-unfolding story who spoke on the condition of anonymity, adding that he specifically contacted this newspaper after reading what he called "years and years of in-depth, compelling, poignant, authoritative, swift, rigorous, comprehensive, and responsible journalism. So many others turn a blind eye, and it takes a brave reporter to shine a light on what is, in the end, a gravely serious problem."

"It's times like these that I'm so thankful for a news organization that speaks truth to power and takes its responsibility as a gatekeeper seriously," he added.

Those directly affected expressed anger, resignation, distress, rage, sickness, confusion, eerie calm, and frustration. However, a pervading sentiment that all is lost, that all is not lost, that rebuilding will take time, and that certain realities will have to be faced persists.

"The situation is terrible," said a visibly distraught person whose comments were echoed by millions of other visibly distraught people who speak languages ranging from English to Punjabi. "I have lost [my home, my small business, my dignity, my entire family in what nobody is calling genocide but is clearly genocide, my medical license, my rights, everything]."

Migrant workers, school bullying, Internet bullying, the misappropriation of government funds, organized crime, stem cell research, changing gender roles, contaminated meat, hikers caught on the Iranian border, cracks in the criminal justice system, clean energy, a behind the scenes look at the CIA, microprocessors, the health of 9/11 first-responders, leaked diplomatic cables, the Supreme Court, the foster care system, and terrorism, sources confirmed.

Furthermore, gangs and cults. Also, commonly overlooked medical conditions that include fibromyalgia, thyroid disease, and aneurysms. And obesity. At press time, Barack Obama.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close