adBlockCheck

Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Report: Massive Wildfires, Geopolitical Crises, AIDS, Human Rights Violations, Deadly Shootings, Africa, Trapped Travelers, Ethical And Moral Issues, Child Labor, Drug Wars

THE WORLD—Calling it devastating, tragic, complex, heartrending, heartwarming, catastrophic, courageous, and shameful, sources confirmed Sunday that massive wildfires, geopolitical crises, AIDS, human rights violations, deadly shootings, Africa, tourists taken hostage, ethical and moral issues, child labor, and drug wars.

While the Catholic Church, nuclear weapons, deadly Ebola outbreak, failing U.S. schools, the homeless, North Korea, and the resignation of high-level officials, reports indicate widespread corruption, a major environmental disaster, the crumbling housing market, blizzards, Indonesia's rapidly growing economy, fraud, and the plight of the elderly.

Famine, sources later confirmed.

"We are in the midst of an unprecedented crisis," an extremely high-ranking figure said in an exclusive interview, adding that tensions remain high while patience is running low. "I'm afraid the worst has yet to come. The aftermath could be even more devastating."

According to those with inside knowledge of the situation, mine safety, unclean drinking water, gun laws, global warming, the role social media played, citywide blackout, the pharmaceutical companies, the insurance companies, the oil companies, a South Carolina neurosurgeon, a recovering drug addict from Baltimore who fights every day to keep her family alive, how one former steel town is struggling to adapt, and the psychological trauma suffered by soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.

In addition, the incalculable human toll, indescribable loss, utter ruin, candlelight vigils, Category 5 hurricane, magnitude-8.9 earthquake, F5 tornado, 140 mph winds, and the long-term effects on the local economy for the next 10, 20, and 100 years.

"This is something the world needs to know about," said a key player in the still-unfolding story who spoke on the condition of anonymity, adding that he specifically contacted this newspaper after reading what he called "years and years of in-depth, compelling, poignant, authoritative, swift, rigorous, comprehensive, and responsible journalism. So many others turn a blind eye, and it takes a brave reporter to shine a light on what is, in the end, a gravely serious problem."

"It's times like these that I'm so thankful for a news organization that speaks truth to power and takes its responsibility as a gatekeeper seriously," he added.

Those directly affected expressed anger, resignation, distress, rage, sickness, confusion, eerie calm, and frustration. However, a pervading sentiment that all is lost, that all is not lost, that rebuilding will take time, and that certain realities will have to be faced persists.

"The situation is terrible," said a visibly distraught person whose comments were echoed by millions of other visibly distraught people who speak languages ranging from English to Punjabi. "I have lost [my home, my small business, my dignity, my entire family in what nobody is calling genocide but is clearly genocide, my medical license, my rights, everything]."

Migrant workers, school bullying, Internet bullying, the misappropriation of government funds, organized crime, stem cell research, changing gender roles, contaminated meat, hikers caught on the Iranian border, cracks in the criminal justice system, clean energy, a behind the scenes look at the CIA, microprocessors, the health of 9/11 first-responders, leaked diplomatic cables, the Supreme Court, the foster care system, and terrorism, sources confirmed.

Furthermore, gangs and cults. Also, commonly overlooked medical conditions that include fibromyalgia, thyroid disease, and aneurysms. And obesity. At press time, Barack Obama.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close