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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again

PHILADELPHIA—Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, who on Wednesday added an NFC Player of the Week award to the Player of the Month honors he received in September, has regained his former confidence to the point that he will soon be ready to commit a horrifying act, sources close to Vick said Friday. "Clearly he's playing like the electrifying Michael Vick of five years ago, the quarterback who was selected to three Pro Bowls, handed the Packers their first-ever home playoff loss, and had the bald arrogance to kill underperforming fighting dogs with his bare hands and think he would get away with it," said an Eagles staffer who was "astounded and impressed" that Vick also leads the NFL in passer rating and asked not to be identified for fear of retribution. "Every team in the league, and every member of civilized society, has seen what Vick is capable of when he's playing like this." Regardless of his performance on or off the field this season, Vick will be mentored by Tony Dungy.

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