Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Michael Vick Getting Confident Enough To Do Something Terrible Again

PHILADELPHIA—Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, who on Wednesday added an NFC Player of the Week award to the Player of the Month honors he received in September, has regained his former confidence to the point that he will soon be ready to commit a horrifying act, sources close to Vick said Friday. "Clearly he's playing like the electrifying Michael Vick of five years ago, the quarterback who was selected to three Pro Bowls, handed the Packers their first-ever home playoff loss, and had the bald arrogance to kill underperforming fighting dogs with his bare hands and think he would get away with it," said an Eagles staffer who was "astounded and impressed" that Vick also leads the NFL in passer rating and asked not to be identified for fear of retribution. "Every team in the league, and every member of civilized society, has seen what Vick is capable of when he's playing like this." Regardless of his performance on or off the field this season, Vick will be mentored by Tony Dungy.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close