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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of

WASHINGTON—An alarming report released Thursday by researchers at the Economic Policy Institute confirmed that, following a generation of dwindling economic opportunities and stagnant wages, the American middle class is now running dangerously low on things it can be squeezed out of. “Based on our findings, the nation is heading toward a disastrous point in the next decade at which there will no longer be a single facet of our economy from which middle- class families can be further squeezed,” said lead researcher Bryan Shale, adding that having already squeezed middle-income Americans out of job security, access to bank loans, high-quality education, retirement investing, and home ownership, the U.S. had nearly exhausted its already limited supply of squeezable sectors. “Perhaps most distressing is that given how rapidly the middle class has been driven from upward mobility and reliable healthcare, the few areas left to squeeze them out of are negligible at best. We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here if the ability to shop at premium supermarkets, have museum memberships, or take weekend getaways is all that remains. Unless lawmakers take immediate action, we’re talking about the real possibility of a world in which the middle-class squeeze as we know it is complete, and the majority of Americans can be squeezed no further.” The researchers confirmed, however, that the U.S. middle class is still reliably being hit from all sides.

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