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Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Report: Middle Class Running Dangerously Low On Things To Be Squeezed Out Of

WASHINGTON—An alarming report released Thursday by researchers at the Economic Policy Institute confirmed that, following a generation of dwindling economic opportunities and stagnant wages, the American middle class is now running dangerously low on things it can be squeezed out of. “Based on our findings, the nation is heading toward a disastrous point in the next decade at which there will no longer be a single facet of our economy from which middle- class families can be further squeezed,” said lead researcher Bryan Shale, adding that having already squeezed middle-income Americans out of job security, access to bank loans, high-quality education, retirement investing, and home ownership, the U.S. had nearly exhausted its already limited supply of squeezable sectors. “Perhaps most distressing is that given how rapidly the middle class has been driven from upward mobility and reliable healthcare, the few areas left to squeeze them out of are negligible at best. We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here if the ability to shop at premium supermarkets, have museum memberships, or take weekend getaways is all that remains. Unless lawmakers take immediate action, we’re talking about the real possibility of a world in which the middle-class squeeze as we know it is complete, and the majority of Americans can be squeezed no further.” The researchers confirmed, however, that the U.S. middle class is still reliably being hit from all sides.

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