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Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

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Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure

IRVINE, CA—According to a report issued to you and your siblings Wednesday, Mom will need you to pitch in around the house next week after she goes in for her procedure. “She’ll have the air cast on for seven to 10 days, so you should help take care of the dishes, put away your laundry, and keep the plants on the porch watered, okay?” the report stated in part, noting that it would likewise be nice if you offered to grab something from the kitchen for her if she needs anything. “It would also be a big help if you could pick up after yourself in the living room without her having to ask, because she’ll be pretty tired at first and won’t be able to walk around much. She would certainly appreciate it.” The report went on to state that you know how much Mom would do for you if you were in her position.

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