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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure

IRVINE, CA—According to a report issued to you and your siblings Wednesday, Mom will need you to pitch in around the house next week after she goes in for her procedure. “She’ll have the air cast on for seven to 10 days, so you should help take care of the dishes, put away your laundry, and keep the plants on the porch watered, okay?” the report stated in part, noting that it would likewise be nice if you offered to grab something from the kitchen for her if she needs anything. “It would also be a big help if you could pick up after yourself in the living room without her having to ask, because she’ll be pretty tired at first and won’t be able to walk around much. She would certainly appreciate it.” The report went on to state that you know how much Mom would do for you if you were in her position.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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