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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Report: Mom Going To Need You To Pitch In Around House After Her Procedure

IRVINE, CA—According to a report issued to you and your siblings Wednesday, Mom will need you to pitch in around the house next week after she goes in for her procedure. “She’ll have the air cast on for seven to 10 days, so you should help take care of the dishes, put away your laundry, and keep the plants on the porch watered, okay?” the report stated in part, noting that it would likewise be nice if you offered to grab something from the kitchen for her if she needs anything. “It would also be a big help if you could pick up after yourself in the living room without her having to ask, because she’ll be pretty tired at first and won’t be able to walk around much. She would certainly appreciate it.” The report went on to state that you know how much Mom would do for you if you were in her position.

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