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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door

The door, which sources confirmed should not even be approached.
The door, which sources confirmed should not even be approached.

ROANOKE, VA—According to reports from stunned Melberg family sources, Mom just walked up the stairs, slammed the door to her bedroom, and locked it.

The shocking incident occurred shortly before dinner time in the Melberg home at 46 Fairmoor St. Although Mom had reportedly been silently chopping vegetables in the kitchen, showing no signs of outward agitation or anger, multiple sources confirmed seeing her walk briskly through the living room and up the stairs before locking herself in her bedroom at approximately 6:38 p.m.

Mom

At press time, witnesses were sitting on the living room couch in stunned silence.

"Is Mom mad?" Tyler, 8, asked following the unprecedented incident. "You guys, I think Mom's mad."

"It wasn't me," Katie, 11, told reporters. "I was just sitting here. I didn't do anything."

Mom, 46, has not emerged from behind the locked door, nor has she given any indication as to when or if she will return to the kitchen to resume making dinner, sources said.

Speculation persists as to what could have provoked Mom's tense exit, with some citing the failure of Tyler to pick up his toys from the staircase, and others placing the blame on Katie and Joseph's repeated failure to set the table as requested, or on Dad failing to put his book down and help out for once.

Katie, who reiterated that she wasn't ignoring Mom and was going to do her homework in a little while after she was done talking to her friend Amanda, claimed multiple other factors played a role in the episode.

"Joseph was the one who wouldn't get off the computer to come down for dinner," she said. "And then Tyler was making gun sounds and being annoying like always."

"Quiet, you guys," Tyler interjected. "She's going to get madder."

Inquiries are currently being made into whether or not it would be okay to turn the television on, though many at the scene believed that the sound of the family guiltlessly enjoying a TV show could actually exacerbate an already tense situation.

The Melbergs were also reportedly unsure of what to do about the three pots on the stove and the partially chopped carrots, until Dad eventually decided to leave them there for the time being, while turning off all the burners.

"I wish she'd just come out and yell at us," Joseph Melberg, 10, told reporters.

The family's collective hopes were briefly raised when Mom was heard opening her bedroom door at approximately 6:45 p.m. to use the bathroom, where she ran the water for half a minute before turning off the light, pacing down the hall, slamming her door, and locking it again.

Speculation continued to mount that the evening's developments might somehow affect the status of dessert, or possibly even this weekend's planned trip to the beach. However, Tyler, Joseph, and Katie Melberg were reassured by Dad that the situation would soon blow over.

"She'll be fine," Dad said while picking up a dustpan, sweeping up several crumbs, and then awkwardly standing in the kitchen. "She just needs some time alone."

At press time, Dad thought maybe they should all go out for some ice cream or something.

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