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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Report: Mom Saw Car That Slid Off Road Into Ditch

ROCKVILLE, MD—Warning that it’s really getting nasty out there right now, local mother Diane Burchill, 56, reported Friday that she saw a car that slid off the road and into a ditch. “I was driving home on Route 28 and passed a minivan that had gone right off the road and down into a ditch,” said Burchill, further confirming that cars were moving slowly near the scene of the accident. “You know it always gets slippery along that stretch. I saw the driver outside waiting for the tow truck. Poor thing. This is why I hate driving in this weather.” Sources confirmed the accident was not too far from where Burchill had seen a very large tree branch that had fallen after a thunderstorm last summer.

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