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Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.
Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.

BLOOMFIELD, MI—Noting that she had left earlier and would probably be gone for most of the evening, household sources confirmed Wednesday that local mother Diane Walsh has got her thing tonight.

According to Walsh family members, this is the same thing that Mom had mentioned something about at breakfast yesterday. Several reports also indicated that Mom usually goes to the thing with her friends from high school or maybe those ones from work.

“She’s usually there for a few hours,” said daughter Christina Walsh, 15, adding that tonight’s thing is definitely different from that other thing she does once in a while. “It’s at the community center or YMCA or something like that.”

Family sources told reporters that though she often gets picked up at their house for the thing, Mom was taking the car this time. In addition, 12-year-old Derek Walsh verified rumors that Mom probably won’t be back until later and that someone else will have to empty the dishwasher while she’s away.

Sources did confirm that dinner should be in the fridge.

“I thought Mom was here, but then I remembered she’s at her thing,” said 18-year-old Jeremy Walsh, recalling only that Mom said the thing was at 7. “I don’t think it’s that book thing she used to go to—she doesn’t do that anymore.”

Acknowledging the large tote bag that the 48-year-old is usually spotted with while leaving for the thing, family members said tonight’s thing is likely related to the pile of stuff that Mom is always working on in the study when they arrive home from school. Household sources concluded this is the same stuff Mom is always saying she wished she had more time to work on, if not for the all the other stuff that she has to do around the house.

Those close to the situation were unable to pinpoint exactly when Mom first began going to this thing, noting only that she once mentioned how glad she was that Janet got her to start going, and that she’s definitely been doing it for a while.

Recent reports also suggest that Mom was super upset the last time she had to miss the thing.

“Mom really likes going to her thing,” said Christina Walsh, adding that she has to get a ride to volleyball practice from Stephanie on nights Mom’s at her thing. “Before she heads out to it, Mom’s always in a really good mood.”

“And it seems like she’s always talking about whatever happened at the thing the next day,” she added.

At press time, Dad, who wasn’t totally sure when tonight’s thing would be over, confirmed that Mom would call on her way home.

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