adBlockCheck

Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Top Headlines

Local

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.
Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.

BLOOMFIELD, MI—Noting that she had left earlier and would probably be gone for most of the evening, household sources confirmed Wednesday that local mother Diane Walsh has got her thing tonight.

According to Walsh family members, this is the same thing that Mom had mentioned something about at breakfast yesterday. Several reports also indicated that Mom usually goes to the thing with her friends from high school or maybe those ones from work.

“She’s usually there for a few hours,” said daughter Christina Walsh, 15, adding that tonight’s thing is definitely different from that other thing she does once in a while. “It’s at the community center or YMCA or something like that.”

Family sources told reporters that though she often gets picked up at their house for the thing, Mom was taking the car this time. In addition, 12-year-old Derek Walsh verified rumors that Mom probably won’t be back until later and that someone else will have to empty the dishwasher while she’s away.

Sources did confirm that dinner should be in the fridge.

“I thought Mom was here, but then I remembered she’s at her thing,” said 18-year-old Jeremy Walsh, recalling only that Mom said the thing was at 7. “I don’t think it’s that book thing she used to go to—she doesn’t do that anymore.”

Acknowledging the large tote bag that the 48-year-old is usually spotted with while leaving for the thing, family members said tonight’s thing is likely related to the pile of stuff that Mom is always working on in the study when they arrive home from school. Household sources concluded this is the same stuff Mom is always saying she wished she had more time to work on, if not for the all the other stuff that she has to do around the house.

Those close to the situation were unable to pinpoint exactly when Mom first began going to this thing, noting only that she once mentioned how glad she was that Janet got her to start going, and that she’s definitely been doing it for a while.

Recent reports also suggest that Mom was super upset the last time she had to miss the thing.

“Mom really likes going to her thing,” said Christina Walsh, adding that she has to get a ride to volleyball practice from Stephanie on nights Mom’s at her thing. “Before she heads out to it, Mom’s always in a really good mood.”

“And it seems like she’s always talking about whatever happened at the thing the next day,” she added.

At press time, Dad, who wasn’t totally sure when tonight’s thing would be over, confirmed that Mom would call on her way home.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close