adBlockCheck

Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Top Headlines

Local

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.
Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.

BLOOMFIELD, MI—Noting that she had left earlier and would probably be gone for most of the evening, household sources confirmed Wednesday that local mother Diane Walsh has got her thing tonight.

According to Walsh family members, this is the same thing that Mom had mentioned something about at breakfast yesterday. Several reports also indicated that Mom usually goes to the thing with her friends from high school or maybe those ones from work.

“She’s usually there for a few hours,” said daughter Christina Walsh, 15, adding that tonight’s thing is definitely different from that other thing she does once in a while. “It’s at the community center or YMCA or something like that.”

Family sources told reporters that though she often gets picked up at their house for the thing, Mom was taking the car this time. In addition, 12-year-old Derek Walsh verified rumors that Mom probably won’t be back until later and that someone else will have to empty the dishwasher while she’s away.

Sources did confirm that dinner should be in the fridge.

“I thought Mom was here, but then I remembered she’s at her thing,” said 18-year-old Jeremy Walsh, recalling only that Mom said the thing was at 7. “I don’t think it’s that book thing she used to go to—she doesn’t do that anymore.”

Acknowledging the large tote bag that the 48-year-old is usually spotted with while leaving for the thing, family members said tonight’s thing is likely related to the pile of stuff that Mom is always working on in the study when they arrive home from school. Household sources concluded this is the same stuff Mom is always saying she wished she had more time to work on, if not for the all the other stuff that she has to do around the house.

Those close to the situation were unable to pinpoint exactly when Mom first began going to this thing, noting only that she once mentioned how glad she was that Janet got her to start going, and that she’s definitely been doing it for a while.

Recent reports also suggest that Mom was super upset the last time she had to miss the thing.

“Mom really likes going to her thing,” said Christina Walsh, adding that she has to get a ride to volleyball practice from Stephanie on nights Mom’s at her thing. “Before she heads out to it, Mom’s always in a really good mood.”

“And it seems like she’s always talking about whatever happened at the thing the next day,” she added.

At press time, Dad, who wasn’t totally sure when tonight’s thing would be over, confirmed that Mom would call on her way home.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close