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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: Mom’s Got Her Thing Tonight

Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.
Walsh family members confirmed that Mom wouldn’t be home until later because of her thing.

BLOOMFIELD, MI—Noting that she had left earlier and would probably be gone for most of the evening, household sources confirmed Wednesday that local mother Diane Walsh has got her thing tonight.

According to Walsh family members, this is the same thing that Mom had mentioned something about at breakfast yesterday. Several reports also indicated that Mom usually goes to the thing with her friends from high school or maybe those ones from work.

“She’s usually there for a few hours,” said daughter Christina Walsh, 15, adding that tonight’s thing is definitely different from that other thing she does once in a while. “It’s at the community center or YMCA or something like that.”

Family sources told reporters that though she often gets picked up at their house for the thing, Mom was taking the car this time. In addition, 12-year-old Derek Walsh verified rumors that Mom probably won’t be back until later and that someone else will have to empty the dishwasher while she’s away.

Sources did confirm that dinner should be in the fridge.

“I thought Mom was here, but then I remembered she’s at her thing,” said 18-year-old Jeremy Walsh, recalling only that Mom said the thing was at 7. “I don’t think it’s that book thing she used to go to—she doesn’t do that anymore.”

Acknowledging the large tote bag that the 48-year-old is usually spotted with while leaving for the thing, family members said tonight’s thing is likely related to the pile of stuff that Mom is always working on in the study when they arrive home from school. Household sources concluded this is the same stuff Mom is always saying she wished she had more time to work on, if not for the all the other stuff that she has to do around the house.

Those close to the situation were unable to pinpoint exactly when Mom first began going to this thing, noting only that she once mentioned how glad she was that Janet got her to start going, and that she’s definitely been doing it for a while.

Recent reports also suggest that Mom was super upset the last time she had to miss the thing.

“Mom really likes going to her thing,” said Christina Walsh, adding that she has to get a ride to volleyball practice from Stephanie on nights Mom’s at her thing. “Before she heads out to it, Mom’s always in a really good mood.”

“And it seems like she’s always talking about whatever happened at the thing the next day,” she added.

At press time, Dad, who wasn’t totally sure when tonight’s thing would be over, confirmed that Mom would call on her way home.

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