adBlockCheck

Local

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One

We Should Invite Her To Dinner Sometime

DENVER—Living room sources reported Monday that Rebecca, a friend of Mom’s from work, has no friends or any relatives nearby and could benefit from a pleasant evening of dinner and company. “She’s all alone in that house of hers—no children, no husband, no one—and her sister just died,” said Mom, leaning in closer and lowering her voice slightly upon uttering the word “died.” “Just having other people there to listen and talk to will mean so much to her. Don’t you think it would be a good idea if we had her over this weekend?” Mom added that it would just be one night and that you can go out with your friends any other time you want, repeating several times that it would just be a really nice thing to do.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close