adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One

We Should Invite Her To Dinner Sometime

DENVER—Living room sources reported Monday that Rebecca, a friend of Mom’s from work, has no friends or any relatives nearby and could benefit from a pleasant evening of dinner and company. “She’s all alone in that house of hers—no children, no husband, no one—and her sister just died,” said Mom, leaning in closer and lowering her voice slightly upon uttering the word “died.” “Just having other people there to listen and talk to will mean so much to her. Don’t you think it would be a good idea if we had her over this weekend?” Mom added that it would just be one night and that you can go out with your friends any other time you want, repeating several times that it would just be a really nice thing to do.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close