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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Report: Mom's Work Friend Has No One

We Should Invite Her To Dinner Sometime

DENVER—Living room sources reported Monday that Rebecca, a friend of Mom’s from work, has no friends or any relatives nearby and could benefit from a pleasant evening of dinner and company. “She’s all alone in that house of hers—no children, no husband, no one—and her sister just died,” said Mom, leaning in closer and lowering her voice slightly upon uttering the word “died.” “Just having other people there to listen and talk to will mean so much to her. Don’t you think it would be a good idea if we had her over this weekend?” Mom added that it would just be one night and that you can go out with your friends any other time you want, repeating several times that it would just be a really nice thing to do.

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