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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Report: Mood In Spurs Locker Room

OKLAHOMA CITY—Despite the team having brought itself to the Western Conference finals on the strength of weeks of brutally productive and disciplined play, visitors were reportedly startled to find there was a mood in the Spurs locker room following their elimination from the playoffs Wednesday night. "Yes, definitely, there is a mood in here tonight, and I'd have to say it's a predominant mood," Spurs guard Tony Parker told reporters, the general tone of the room reflected in his expressionless face. "But tomorrow is a new day, and we're not going to let that mood affect us going forward." Spurs coach Gregg Popovich later asked reporters to leave, admitting there was a certain tone present in the locker room, but claiming the team would not allow it to develop into an atmosphere or, worse yet, a feeling.

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