After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Report: More Americans Relying On Grandparents To Help Fuck Up Their Kids

BALTIMORE—According to a study released Wednesday by sociologists at Johns Hopkins University, an increasing number of parents across the country are relying on their own mothers and fathers to help them fuck up their children. “As economic concerns prompt more parents to work longer hours, many are turning to grandparents to assist them in crushing their children’s self-esteem and shaping them into confused, maladjusted adults,” said lead author Dr. Janine Thompkins, who noted that four in 10 grandparents are currently the family’s primary insult-givers to children. “Parents like knowing that while they’re at work, a trusted family member is satisfactorily filling in for them by shouting at their kids in line at the pharmacy or criticizing their weight in front of their friends. And we found that, in most cases, children emerge just as fucked up and traumatized from a grandparent’s constant belittlement as compared to that from their own mother or father.” Researchers noted that many cash-strapped families are receiving added relief from subsidized child care programs, which allow parents to drop off young children at local community centers to be fucked up by underpaid, uninterested daycare workers.

After Birth

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