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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

Departing Employee Not Quite Important Enough For Send-Off

ATLANTA—Noting the distinct lack of fanfare surrounding his departure last Friday, employees at Empire Marketing Solutions concluded that sales associate Brent Wheeler was not quite important enough to warrant a formal send-off on his last day of wo...

Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer.
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Report: More Americans Setting Aside Money In Case Of PR Emergency

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Indicating a trend toward greater financial preparedness, a report released Tuesday by the University of Maryland found that a growing number of Americans are setting aside money in case of a public relations emergency. “Over the past decade, more and more citizens across the country have begun saving a portion of their paychecks to cover the costs of damage control should a controversial remark of theirs or a criminal allegation against them come to light,” said lead researcher Amanda Keaton, who added that Americans were increasingly coming to grips with the reality that hiring a team of seasoned crisis managers to spin a favorable narrative in the media can cost tens of thousands of dollars nowadays. “Indeed, we found that Americans are not simply putting away the funds needed to get out in front of a developing public firestorm—many are also allocating a little extra cash to ensure they’re able to bring in a top-tier communications strategist to coach them on what can and cannot be said before booking them on a morning talk show.” The report added that millions of citizens were also opting to establish a secondary savings plan necessary for funding a long-term rebranding effort to salvage their public image.

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Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement

LAWRENCEVILLE, GA—Expressing her growing unease at repeatedly spotting the same picture and text lurking in the corners of her favorite webpages, local woman Laura Spelman confirmed Monday that she has been stalked across eight different sites by an obsessed Nine West shoe advertisement.

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