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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Report: More Americans Turning To Louder Sources For Their News

PHILADELPHIA—Saying that the trend signals a major shift in the media landscape, a report issued Thursday by the University of Pennsylvania revealed that a growing number of Americans are turning to louder sources for their news. “Over the past 10 years, media-consumption habits have changed markedly as more people eschew traditional news outlets in favor of sources that report the latest stories at a far higher volume,” said the study’s lead author Emily Harding, noting that audiences for television and radio programs that deliver news in a reasonable, non-damaging tone of voice have fallen by nearly 40 percent since last decade. “Respondents were shown one well-reported clip of environmentally sustainable practices on a large dairy farm, followed by a second, poorly-reported but eardrum-shattering clip about how factory farms have ripped open the ozone and will lead to our impending doom. Given the thunderous din of the latter, it wasn’t surprising which one they trusted more. It seems, for a steadily growing segment of the population, that heavily blaring, borderline deafening media outlets are their only source of news.” Harding added that if current trends continue, the U.S. news cycle is likely to reach tornado siren levels exceeding 125 decibels by 2020.


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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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