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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Report: More Americans Turning To Louder Sources For Their News

PHILADELPHIA—Saying that the trend signals a major shift in the media landscape, a report issued Thursday by the University of Pennsylvania revealed that a growing number of Americans are turning to louder sources for their news. “Over the past 10 years, media-consumption habits have changed markedly as more people eschew traditional news outlets in favor of sources that report the latest stories at a far higher volume,” said the study’s lead author Emily Harding, noting that audiences for television and radio programs that deliver news in a reasonable, non-damaging tone of voice have fallen by nearly 40 percent since last decade. “Respondents were shown one well-reported clip of environmentally sustainable practices on a large dairy farm, followed by a second, poorly-reported but eardrum-shattering clip about how factory farms have ripped open the ozone and will lead to our impending doom. Given the thunderous din of the latter, it wasn’t surprising which one they trusted more. It seems, for a steadily growing segment of the population, that heavily blaring, borderline deafening media outlets are their only source of news.” Harding added that if current trends continue, the U.S. news cycle is likely to reach tornado siren levels exceeding 125 decibels by 2020.

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