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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Report: More Recent College Graduates Making Extra Money By Tutoring High School Teachers

NORMAL, IL—According to the Center for the Study of Education Policy at Illinois State University, an increasing number of recent college graduates unable to find jobs in their chosen field have turned to tutoring high school teachers for money. "Nearly 39 percent of students who received diplomas in 2011 have put their education to use bringing teachers back up to speed on the fundamentals," researcher Ian Ennis said Thursday, adding that while high school faculty members are initially wary of the extra work, they frequently report their tutors are "pretty cool once you get to know them." "As it turns out, most teachers have forgotten quite a bit of their own training, and much of what they do remember hasn't been relevant for decades. So this is a way for young graduates to earn some cash while giving a hand to people who really need it." The survey also noted that on most college campuses in America, post≠doctoral fellows are paying the bills by charging hefty fees to help struggling professors cram for their freshman lectures.

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