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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Report: More Television Viewers Becoming Desensitized To Drama

LOS ANGELES—Researchers at the USC Center for the Study of Television announced Monday that a new report points toward a drastically impaired response to real-world dramatic incidents among America's habitual television viewers. "We found that a majority of viewers who watch a normal amount of television—between 32 and 56 hours a week—were relatively unmoved by such personal traumas as divorce, financial disaster, or the death of a child, compared with their reactions to similar events on television," said Dr. Fernando Alonso, whose team conducted the study. "Respondents consistently said that predicaments they'd seen play out on House were worse than their loved ones' bouts with emphysema, and that they had experienced greater rejection over unrequited love during Grey's Anatomy than they had in their own lives." Alonso said the study, performed on adults over the age of 21, does not necessarily contradict an earlier report that found children who witnessed drama on TV were more likely to commit drama themselves.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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