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Report: Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their State’s Shadow Lord

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Report: Most Americans Can’t Even Name Their State’s Shadow Lord

WASHINGTON—In a discouraging indicator of the nation’s diminishing civic awareness, a report released this week by Gallup revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unable to name their state’s current shadow lord. “Our survey found that less than a quarter of the citizens of any given state are capable of identifying their district’s shadow lord, and even fewer could identify his blood sigil or even the parcel of the Dark Penumbra over which he holds dominion,” lead researcher Linus Wetzel said of the findings, which also showed that 92 percent of U.S. residents were incapable of locating their state’s House of Revenants on a map, and only 6 percent could recall a single one of the 12 writs that dictate the proceedings of the Collective. “Additionally, our research shows that a mere 1 in 3 Americans are able to remember the name of the Grand Orchestrator, even though it’s his face that appears in the visions and his voice that rises in the winds.” Given the study’s findings, Wetzel said it was unsurprising that less than half of Americans of fertile age even show up every four years to cast their ashes and choose the Selected.

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