adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Most Americans Have Enough Saved For Retirement To Live Comfortably On Streets

WASHINGTON—Taking into account current market conditions, average 401K contributions, and forecasted cost of living increases, a report released Friday by the Employee Benefit Research Institute concluded that the majority of Americans have saved enough for retirement to live comfortably on the streets. “Our research indicates that the typical American retirement plan, be it defined-contribution or defined-benefit, should yield enough for a relatively modest, but secure, life of impoverished transience for up to 20 years after leaving the workforce,” said lead researcher Wilton Bracey, explaining that most Americans will be in a position to occasionally treat themselves to luxuries like a cup of coffee or a secondhand winter coat, while still being able to make fare card payments for the mass transit system where they will sleep. “Of course, it is unrealistic for them to expect to frequently eat out at restaurants, as they will likely need to scrounge for their meals most nights. Overall, however, the vast majority of Americans will spend their golden years in relatively stable destitution.” Bracey added that those relying solely on Social Security benefits should have enough to afford a lethal dose of sleeping pills.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close