Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Report: Most Americans Now Getting Their News While Peeking Out Between Fingers

WASHINGTON—In a comprehensive analysis of the nation’s media consumption habits, a report published Friday by the Pew Research Center found that most Americans now receive their news while holding their hands over their eyes and peeking out between their fingers. “Whether in print, online, or televised form, our research indicates that 80 percent of Americans engage with news by cupping their hands over their eyes and occasionally steeling themselves to glance at the content before them,” said lead author Dr. Jacob Elam, noting that after opening a link to a news story, four out of five Americans stand up and walk away from their computers while muttering “Oh god, oh my god” before returning to their seats. “We also found that two-thirds of the American public now require at least 30 seconds of agitated hesitation before even typing ‘’ into the address bar and, once on the site, immediately direct their attention toward several more palatable entertainment or sports articles before anxiously edging their way toward the day’s top headlines.” According to the researchers, while Americans tended to believe they’d be better off taking a day or two off from the never-ending news cycle, a solid majority throw their hands up, say “Fuck it,” and visit Twitter again.

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