After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Report: Most Parents Willing To Entrust Children To Anyone In Character Costume

WASHINGTON—According to a report published this week by sociologists at American University, the vast majority of parents across the country are willing to entrust their children to anyone wearing a plush character costume. “Our data show that roughly 95 percent of all U.S. parents are perfectly fine allowing their young children to approach, hug, and even sit on the lap of literally any individual, provided that person is inside a soft full-body costume depicting some friendly-looking character,” said lead researcher Carol Milano, noting that her team observed hundreds of instances in which adults displayed no nervousness or reluctance whatsoever about their small child being picked up and nuzzled by an unidentified person at a Single-A baseball game, shopping mall, or theme park if that person happened to be wearing a bulky outfit designed to resemble a cartoon elephant, tiger, bear, or duck. “Generally, most parents simply presume that someone in an Easter Bunny costume must have some level of professional training and can be trusted with their child’s safety and well-being. In almost every case, however, this conclusion is arrived at without speaking a single word or getting a look at the stranger staring out through the black mesh mouth of the character’s oversize head.” A related report revealed that 97 percent of children only feel truly safe and happy when an anonymous person in a character costume embraces them.

After Birth

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