Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire

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Vol 49 Issue 03

Bowling!

Let’s go! Come on, it’ll be fun. Have you ever been to the Lucky Star Lanes? They turn on a bunch of neon lights and play disco music after 9!

Bill Belichick Builds New Tight End From Mutilated Dog Parts

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In a savage and gruesome turn of events, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly slaughtered a half-dozen dogs adopted from the humane society Friday, sewing together the dismembered body parts to construct a new, horrific tight...
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Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire

WASHINGTON—A new report from the U.S. Small Business Administration reveals that being consumed by flames poses an even greater risk to small companies than originally thought, typically causing ruinous insolvency within the first six hours of conflagration. “The data we’ve gathered reveals a consistent pattern of business failure shortly after the start of a fire, which can lead both to inventory problems and a difficulty attracting customers, who, quite frankly, do not wish to step into a retail location that is currently ablaze,” said SBA administrator Karen Mills, whose staff inspected dozens of flaming businesses in preparing the report. “For example, a small family-run electronics store in a downtown location with thick, choking smoke raging through its aisles is going to be hard-pressed to compete with the big box stores that have highly competitive prices and aren’t on fire.” The report noted that fires have less of an effect on Internet retailers, whose customers continue to shop online even as their houses burn down around them.

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