adBlockCheck

Business

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: Most Small Businesses Fail In First 6 Hours Of Being On Fire

WASHINGTON—A new report from the U.S. Small Business Administration reveals that being consumed by flames poses an even greater risk to small companies than originally thought, typically causing ruinous insolvency within the first six hours of conflagration. “The data we’ve gathered reveals a consistent pattern of business failure shortly after the start of a fire, which can lead both to inventory problems and a difficulty attracting customers, who, quite frankly, do not wish to step into a retail location that is currently ablaze,” said SBA administrator Karen Mills, whose staff inspected dozens of flaming businesses in preparing the report. “For example, a small family-run electronics store in a downtown location with thick, choking smoke raging through its aisles is going to be hard-pressed to compete with the big box stores that have highly competitive prices and aren’t on fire.” The report noted that fires have less of an effect on Internet retailers, whose customers continue to shop online even as their houses burn down around them.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close