adBlockCheck

Report: Nation Not Ready For This

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Report: Nation Not Ready For This

Maybe 10 Years From Now, But That's A Big Maybe

WASHINGTON—According to an extremely wary congressional report issued Monday, the nation does not need and is not at all ready for this right now, though it might possibly be worth considering at some point in the future.

The report goes on to state that 10 or 12 years from now would be the earliest anything could be done about this, but even that is probably a stretch.

"Now is simply not the time," said Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ), who heads the joint subcommittee that commissioned the report. "Setting aside the countless practical obstacles and prohibitive expense, we just don't know enough about this to justify moving forward at the present time."

Many policy experts have maintained that between slow economic recovery, the climate crisis, childhood obesity levels, and two ongoing wars, this—no matter how beneficial it might be in the long-term—should be entirely out of the question for now. It is also widely agreed that this will likely have to take a backseat to more pressing issues that we can actually wrap our heads around and try to do something about.

"Even if we could afford it right now—which we can't, by the way—it's totally untenable in a nation as polarized as ours," said Dr. Travis Shapiro, a professor at Georgetown University. "Suppose, hypothetically, that we could convince half the American people that this is something worth at least taking a look at. Then maybe— maybe—we could get the ball rolling on this in the next five years. But realistically, that's just not going to happen."

Some officials say the media has already done too much to sensationalize this.

"Not with the banking and auto industries in the states they're in," he added.

Leaders in nearly every field, including economics, entertainment, pharmacology, philosophy, macrobiotic nutrition, Jungian psychology, finance, robotics, oncology, and animal husbandry concurred with the report, saying that the worst course of action would be to enter into this too hastily without being fully prepared.

A Rasmussen poll conducted last week found that 53 percent of Americans are not optimistic about this being an option in the foreseeable future, 13 percent believe it's likely the nation will never be ready for it, and 27 percent are still trying to figure out what led up to this, never mind talking about a time frame for it.

The remaining 7 percent of respondents refused to answer any questions about it altogether.

"To be totally honest, I want this as much as any other reasonable person," Cleveland-area contractor Henry Dickson said. "But you have to face facts: No one's really ready for this yet—not the military, not African-Americans, not big business, and certainly not teen mothers."

However, a small but vocal minority has come out in favor of getting this under way as soon as possible.

"As the wealthiest, most powerful nation on the planet, we should be taking the lead on this," said Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL). "Our projections show the Chinese may be ready for it in as few as three years. If we, as Americans, don't take responsibility and change our attitude, we're going to get caught with our pants down."

"We can't afford to get left behind on this," Durbin added. "The stakes are too damn high."

But Eric Riordan, a fellow at the Brookings Institution, believes that policy makers have gotten way ahead of themselves by even talking about it.

"I can't believe people are already considering the cost and logistics, as if we're anywhere close to that stage yet," Riordan said. "Frankly, it's irresponsible to be discussing this when you consider the fact that our real problem is already here, staring us in the face, as we speak, and it's not going away anytime soon."

At press time, the White House released a statement indicating the president would approach this with extreme caution, knowing full well the historical examples of the Persians, the Romans, and the British, all of whom got into this carelessly and paid dearly for it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close