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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First

EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first. “Look, obviously I don’t want either of my parents to die, but if one of the two had to go first, I have to say it would be much more sad and awful to see Dad try to move on without Mom than the other way around,” said David Hill, 34, echoing the privately held beliefs of millions of Americans who feel their mother is far more suited to live out life as a widow, and Christ, they just don’t think their dads would have it in them to recover from a blow like that. “Just the image of him sitting at the kitchen table by himself hurts to think about. You know, not really going anywhere or being sure of what to do. I mean, Mom has Linda and Leanne if anything happened to him. I know she’d be okay. But Dad? I don’t know about that.” The nation’s citizens then reportedly became quiet after imagining their fathers going out to eat at a diner alone.

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