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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First

EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first. “Look, obviously I don’t want either of my parents to die, but if one of the two had to go first, I have to say it would be much more sad and awful to see Dad try to move on without Mom than the other way around,” said David Hill, 34, echoing the privately held beliefs of millions of Americans who feel their mother is far more suited to live out life as a widow, and Christ, they just don’t think their dads would have it in them to recover from a blow like that. “Just the image of him sitting at the kitchen table by himself hurts to think about. You know, not really going anywhere or being sure of what to do. I mean, Mom has Linda and Leanne if anything happened to him. I know she’d be okay. But Dad? I don’t know about that.” The nation’s citizens then reportedly became quiet after imagining their fathers going out to eat at a diner alone.

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