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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First

EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first. “Look, obviously I don’t want either of my parents to die, but if one of the two had to go first, I have to say it would be much more sad and awful to see Dad try to move on without Mom than the other way around,” said David Hill, 34, echoing the privately held beliefs of millions of Americans who feel their mother is far more suited to live out life as a widow, and Christ, they just don’t think their dads would have it in them to recover from a blow like that. “Just the image of him sitting at the kitchen table by himself hurts to think about. You know, not really going anywhere or being sure of what to do. I mean, Mom has Linda and Leanne if anything happened to him. I know she’d be okay. But Dad? I don’t know about that.” The nation’s citizens then reportedly became quiet after imagining their fathers going out to eat at a diner alone.

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