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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Report: Nation Secretly Hoping Dads Die First

EAST GREENBUSH, NY—While emphasizing that they hate even talking about this type of thing, the nation revealed today that, if they’re being honest, they are secretly hoping their dads die first. “Look, obviously I don’t want either of my parents to die, but if one of the two had to go first, I have to say it would be much more sad and awful to see Dad try to move on without Mom than the other way around,” said David Hill, 34, echoing the privately held beliefs of millions of Americans who feel their mother is far more suited to live out life as a widow, and Christ, they just don’t think their dads would have it in them to recover from a blow like that. “Just the image of him sitting at the kitchen table by himself hurts to think about. You know, not really going anywhere or being sure of what to do. I mean, Mom has Linda and Leanne if anything happened to him. I know she’d be okay. But Dad? I don’t know about that.” The nation’s citizens then reportedly became quiet after imagining their fathers going out to eat at a diner alone.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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