Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now

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Vol 49 Issue 28

Study: Diet Soda Doesn’t Aid Weight Loss

A recent study by Purdue University has found that, contrary to popular thinking, drinking diet soda doesn’t aid in weight loss, and that its consumption can actually increase the likelihood of obesity and development of precursors to diabetes, card...

The Onion's Tips For Treating A Sunburn

Find cool, secluded aisle at Walgreens and generously slather on any of the wide variety of moisturizers available on the shelves Place body in cool, dark hole under 5 to 6 feet of dirt For true pain relief, morphine is really the only way to go, or obvi...

Microsoft Announces Major Company Overhaul

In a bid to compete more fiercely with competitors like Apple, Google, and Amazon, Microsoft on Thursday announced a sweeping reorganization, which officials say will help the company react more quickly to changing technology and speed up development of p...
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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a press conference held moments ago by The Food Institute, Americans across the country are all presently picturing a fresh, right-out-of-the-oven warm piece of cinnamon coffee cake that just melts in your mouth. “Currently, the entire U.S. populace is thinking about digging into a soft, rich slice of coffee cake—one of those nice and big ones with the crumbles on top,” said Food Institute representative Raymond Dodge, adding that he, along with every other American resident, can almost taste a layer of crisp almond slices perfectly complementing the tender moistness of the rest of the cake. “Citizens throughout the nation are at this moment imagining how it would taste with some blueberries baked in, maybe a little whipped cream on the side, and a big, cool glass of milk to wash it all down.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation was glumly eating a granola bar.

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