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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a press conference held moments ago by The Food Institute, Americans across the country are all presently picturing a fresh, right-out-of-the-oven warm piece of cinnamon coffee cake that just melts in your mouth. “Currently, the entire U.S. populace is thinking about digging into a soft, rich slice of coffee cake—one of those nice and big ones with the crumbles on top,” said Food Institute representative Raymond Dodge, adding that he, along with every other American resident, can almost taste a layer of crisp almond slices perfectly complementing the tender moistness of the rest of the cake. “Citizens throughout the nation are at this moment imagining how it would taste with some blueberries baked in, maybe a little whipped cream on the side, and a big, cool glass of milk to wash it all down.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation was glumly eating a granola bar.

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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