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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Report: Nation Thinking About Big, Warm Piece Of Cinnamon Coffee Cake Right Now

WASHINGTON—According to a press conference held moments ago by The Food Institute, Americans across the country are all presently picturing a fresh, right-out-of-the-oven warm piece of cinnamon coffee cake that just melts in your mouth. “Currently, the entire U.S. populace is thinking about digging into a soft, rich slice of coffee cake—one of those nice and big ones with the crumbles on top,” said Food Institute representative Raymond Dodge, adding that he, along with every other American resident, can almost taste a layer of crisp almond slices perfectly complementing the tender moistness of the rest of the cake. “Citizens throughout the nation are at this moment imagining how it would taste with some blueberries baked in, maybe a little whipped cream on the side, and a big, cool glass of milk to wash it all down.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation was glumly eating a granola bar.

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