adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Report: National Average Now 604

WASHINGTON—According to the annual report released Monday by the Center for Global Statistics, the United States National Average reached 604 Monday, climbing up from 600 in the previous year. “While the data revealed that the U.S. National Average increased slightly in 2013, those numbers are still moderately lower than in the late 1990s when the USNA was at 615,”said Dr. Paul Lewison, the lead researcher who collected, analyzed, and interpreted the numerical information in the survey sample used to determine the National Average. “The National Average has certainly been known to fluctuate, so estimations that it could gain a point or two and reach the 605 or 606 range are not unwarranted. However, the USNA might conceivably drop down to somewhere between 602-603.” The report confirmed that over the last year China’s National Average had decreased by a half point to 782.5.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close