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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: National Average Now 604

WASHINGTON—According to the annual report released Monday by the Center for Global Statistics, the United States National Average reached 604 Monday, climbing up from 600 in the previous year. “While the data revealed that the U.S. National Average increased slightly in 2013, those numbers are still moderately lower than in the late 1990s when the USNA was at 615,”said Dr. Paul Lewison, the lead researcher who collected, analyzed, and interpreted the numerical information in the survey sample used to determine the National Average. “The National Average has certainly been known to fluctuate, so estimations that it could gain a point or two and reach the 605 or 606 range are not unwarranted. However, the USNA might conceivably drop down to somewhere between 602-603.” The report confirmed that over the last year China’s National Average had decreased by a half point to 782.5.

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