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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Report: National Average Now 604

WASHINGTON—According to the annual report released Monday by the Center for Global Statistics, the United States National Average reached 604 Monday, climbing up from 600 in the previous year. “While the data revealed that the U.S. National Average increased slightly in 2013, those numbers are still moderately lower than in the late 1990s when the USNA was at 615,”said Dr. Paul Lewison, the lead researcher who collected, analyzed, and interpreted the numerical information in the survey sample used to determine the National Average. “The National Average has certainly been known to fluctuate, so estimations that it could gain a point or two and reach the 605 or 606 range are not unwarranted. However, the USNA might conceivably drop down to somewhere between 602-603.” The report confirmed that over the last year China’s National Average had decreased by a half point to 782.5.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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