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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently following a more realistic retirement plan than 86 percent of the country. “After surveying over 30,000 expected retirees, we’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans,” said lead author Roger Crowden, explaining that the typical American retirement investment portfolio was less capable of yielding enough income to support the final 20 years of life than a combination of deciphering codes, exploring abandoned tunnel systems, and arranging dives to the bottom of lakes in the Austrian Alps. “Simply put, endlessly pursuing a hidden Nazi fortress rumored to contain a priceless collection of stolen Renaissance art is infinitely preferable to living off the $125 the average American puts aside every month.” The report follows a related study that found exhaustively searching for an ancestral connection to a royal family remains one of the most practical means of funding your child’s college education.

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