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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Report: Nazi Treasure Hunters Following More Realistic Retirement Plan Than 86% Of Country

WASHINGTON—Noting that they are far more likely than their peers to have sufficient savings in their later years, a new study released Wednesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security confirmed that Nazi treasure hunters are currently following a more realistic retirement plan than 86 percent of the country. “After surveying over 30,000 expected retirees, we’ve concluded that those investing their time, money, and energy into expeditions to retrieve rumored stores of Nazi gold are better situated for long-term financial security than the vast majority of middle-aged Americans,” said lead author Roger Crowden, explaining that the typical American retirement investment portfolio was less capable of yielding enough income to support the final 20 years of life than a combination of deciphering codes, exploring abandoned tunnel systems, and arranging dives to the bottom of lakes in the Austrian Alps. “Simply put, endlessly pursuing a hidden Nazi fortress rumored to contain a priceless collection of stolen Renaissance art is infinitely preferable to living off the $125 the average American puts aside every month.” The report follows a related study that found exhaustively searching for an ancestral connection to a royal family remains one of the most practical means of funding your child’s college education.

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