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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Report: NBA Considering Firing Tim Donaghy

NEW YORK—Saying allegations that veteran referee Tim Donaghy bet on and manipulated the games he officiated were "disappointing at best and potentially disturbing at worst," NBA commissioner David Stern admitted that the league had considered going so far as to fire Donaghy despite his years of experience as an NBA official. "He's on thin ice at the moment, that's for sure," said Stern, while also noting that Donaghy had worked a number of very close playoff games, experiences he believed said a lot about Donaghy's character. "At the very least, we'll have to move him into a relatively harmless position where he would have no overt influence on the NBA, such as, say, an assistant accounting director at NBA Financial." Stern went on to note that whatever disciplinary action was taken by the league would be chosen so as not to send the wrong message to the players, whom he believed should not be made to fear they might lose their jobs for the tiniest screw-up.

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