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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It

BURLINGTON, VT—Saying there could be no other cause for the abrupt change in volume, a report released Monday found that a nearby conversation definitely just got quiet to prevent you from hearing it. “There’s no question that your presence in the café is the sole reason the people at that nearby table lowered their voices,” read the report in part, emphasizing that the group had been speaking completely naturally up until the very moment of your arrival. “We also found that the change occurred shortly after a glance in your direction and that there have likely been one or more additional glances since.” The report also confirmed that the group burst into laughter once they had left the establishment and determined you were safely out of earshot.

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