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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It

BURLINGTON, VT—Saying there could be no other cause for the abrupt change in volume, a report released Monday found that a nearby conversation definitely just got quiet to prevent you from hearing it. “There’s no question that your presence in the café is the sole reason the people at that nearby table lowered their voices,” read the report in part, emphasizing that the group had been speaking completely naturally up until the very moment of your arrival. “We also found that the change occurred shortly after a glance in your direction and that there have likely been one or more additional glances since.” The report also confirmed that the group burst into laughter once they had left the establishment and determined you were safely out of earshot.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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