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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Report: New iPhone Will No Longer Secretly Record Every Word You Say

CUPERTINO, CA—In a surprising elimination of one of the product’s oldest features, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at a product unveiling Tuesday that the new iPhone 8 will no longer secretly record every word you say. “Although the iPhone 8 will be our most advanced device yet, it will not have the capability to clandestinely preserve every single thing that comes out of your mouth,” said Cook, explaining that, for the first time in its 10-year history, the iPhone will not come installed with a voice-activated recording device that automatically sends audio files of users’ conversations directly to Apple headquarters. “That said, it’s worth emphasizing that this change in no way affects the functionality of older phones, which will not only continue to gather every spoken word but also permanently archive all your text messages regardless of whether you actually elected to store them in the cloud.” Cook went on to say that removing the audio recording device helped create additional space for a longer-lasting battery that allows the phone’s camera to capture video of users 24 hours a day.

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