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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Report: New iPhone Will No Longer Secretly Record Every Word You Say

CUPERTINO, CA—In a surprising elimination of one of the product’s oldest features, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at a product unveiling Tuesday that the new iPhone 8 will no longer secretly record every word you say. “Although the iPhone 8 will be our most advanced device yet, it will not have the capability to clandestinely preserve every single thing that comes out of your mouth,” said Cook, explaining that, for the first time in its 10-year history, the iPhone will not come installed with a voice-activated recording device that automatically sends audio files of users’ conversations directly to Apple headquarters. “That said, it’s worth emphasizing that this change in no way affects the functionality of older phones, which will not only continue to gather every spoken word but also permanently archive all your text messages regardless of whether you actually elected to store them in the cloud.” Cook went on to say that removing the audio recording device helped create additional space for a longer-lasting battery that allows the phone’s camera to capture video of users 24 hours a day.

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