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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Report: NFL Had Previously Warned Sean Taylor About Spending Quiet Evenings Alone At Home

MIAMI—Immediately after Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor died from gunshot wounds sustained when an unknown intruder broke into his Florida mansion and assaulted Taylor, NFL officials announced that they had warned the Pro Bowler against indulging in such risky behavior as sleeping quietly in his own home. "We communicated to Mr. Taylor several times that his lifestyle, including his insistence on living in a high-crime city and associating with such known troublemakers as NFL players, was potentially dangerous," a statement from the league's legal department read in part. "Although we are greatly saddened by Mr. Taylor's death, we feel we have lived up to our responsibilities in this matter." Following the announcement of Taylor's death, spokesmen for the league reached out to all NFL players and warned them of the risks of doing absolutely anything whatsoever.

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