Report: NFL May End Lockout By Hiring Scab Owners

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 12

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Report: NFL May End Lockout By Hiring Scab Owners

NEW YORK—In an effort to protect the integrity of the game, commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed Friday that the NFL has considered ending the lockout by hiring replacement owners to run the day-to-day operation of the league's football teams. "We've already found a number of guys off the street who did a little owning in college," said Goodell, adding that many of the leading candidates had previous experience with owning small businesses, condominiums, and used cars. "Our replacement owners might not be as flashy as someone like Al Davis, but they will be just as effective at running a football franchise, handling difficult management decisions, and collecting profits." Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones criticized the possible move, claiming the scab owners wouldn't know anything about the nuances of price-gouging and fucking over fans.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More